Eminem's Relapse Album was 3 steps back for his career...

Same song and dance
Same kicking and screaming
Same crying and sobbing
Same song and dance
Same digging and pleading
Same yelling and bleeding
Same song and dance

August 6, 2010 was my one-year blogaversary! Yay!

It's been a year that I've been posting random thoughts and poems on this website and I feel as though I am in a similar position, state of mind, and place in life, just one year older with an electronic legacy.

I find myself pining over the same man who still doesn't want me. Still 110 lbs overweight. Still unsatisfied professionally. Still 2 years away from graduate school.

Same vices and drama
Same cursing and pouting
Same song and dance

And, much like Em, in my return to a previous state no matter how many months down the road I may be, I have regressed and pushed myself 3 steps backward. Acting as my own biggest enemy, the biggest hurdle to my personal success and professional progress. I'm not trying to be depressing but I am personally disappointed in myself. I've come a long way in the last year but not in the ways I had hoped.

I was talking to a friend tonight and she told me a story about a guy. She kept referencing how the scenario was so much like college. I, so wisely, told her that if she wanted to avoid college-like scenarios, she would have to avoid using college-like tactics. Two years out and we find ourselves doing the same flirtations and awkward maneuvering around men.

College Tactics For Sopen
I like you and you know it
But you know I won't put out
We make out after a party
You like me, now I know it
You tell your friends we went
All the way, 'Round home plate
You said to stop at 1st base
I hate you, my friends know it
You like me more in my disdain
My sneers turn you on
Avoidance means coy in Boi
The downside to all these
College Tactics
Is that we graduated 2 years ago
We're alums of love without
Our diplomas, the credits didn't
Transfer into adulthood
Written 8/10/10

Tonight I told a friend that we could no longer be friends. I like him too much in a romantic way for our friendship to thrive the way it should. We were in a similar situation around this time last year. I tried to follow my own advice this time. I still feel like shit, still confused, still rejected. The difference is I'm sober this time and really feel as though I faced things head on rather than passive aggressively trying to telepathically communicate my feelings to him.

I can't allow myself to keep going on the way I've gone in the past. I am disappointed in myself but I want to take charge of the things I can change...standing just shy of the serenity prayer and the cliche is eludes to.

Same song and dance equals insanity and I'm tired of feeling crazy. I have to find Redemption in my own Recovery.