The Perks of Being a Wallflower

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
~ Stephen Chbosky (p.24)

That quote came was a response to a domestic violence situation. Out of context, it is an interesting but confusing approach to life and love. Do we actively reject love and people who offer us love that we feel we do not deserve? If I reject love in any manifestation does it mean that I feel unworthy of love? Don't we all want love, is it ever possible to feel as though we don't deserve any kind of love? Or are we willing to accept a negative and abusive form of love?

In my current quasi-romantic situation, I have intense feelings for a man who sees me as just a friend. I can't help but wake up sad and depressed by his rejection. I used to think that I was too unavailable to allow someone to affect my mood so much, but I am clearly open and vulnerable and moved by his lack of love for me. I think of him and I feel angry, angry for my immaturity, angry for the way that I've treated him, angry for the fact that I am not enough for him, angry at him for finding happiness in someone who isn't me. What am I seeking from him? Do I seek out a rejected love because I feel as though I don't deserve faithful and monogamous love? It's disturbing to come to the realization that I could hate myself so much, which deepens my sadness and fuels my internal anger.

I used to think being unavailable and willfully disengaged from life, particularly romantic life, I could safeguard myself from heartbreak. But, I live in my head with such passion and delusion that I've broken my heart more times than any man ever could.

I want to dance but I'm too afraid of looking like a fool. I'm not leaning on the wall anymore but I'm still frightened of moving to the dance floor.